Of Gunmen And Absurdity
by ShowMeOnTheDoll
Summary: A series of silly script-like drabbles that mostly center around a scruffy, offbeat priest and a flamboyant looking gunman. Lemony like lemons. May include other pairings in later updates.
1. Lunchtime with The Outlaw and The Priest

Title: Of Gunmen And Absurdity

Pairings: Mostly WolfwoodxVash because I can. May contain MilliexMeryl (implied or otherwise) at some point. May also include other characters at some point I guess. I don't even know. Whatever.

Rating: M for Mature things and stuff.

Spoilers: Nooooooooooone?

Warnings: General faggorty, crack and derp.

Summary: A series of silly script-like drabbles mostly center around a scruffy, offbeat priest and a flamboyant looking gunman.

Author's Notes: This started out as just some random shit I was sending to **TheCrimsonClarity** at work when I was bored. But I figured I might as well post it in-between working on "Four Steps To Acceptance". Hopefully this'll help me write more for that story in a more efficient manner.

Disclaimer: There will inevitably be OOCness because this will mostly be silliness and dumb shit that I think up for no reason. Lots and lots and lots of gay so you've been warned. Remeber, if offended, the 'back' button is your friend. Yasahiro Nightow owns Trigun and has money to show for it. I remain poor. Yay.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**Lunchtime with The Outlaw and The Priest**

**Nick:** . . . Tongari.

**Vash:** Mmph?

**Nick:** I finished my meal, like, 10 minutes ago.

**Vash:** *swallows mouthful* So?

**Nick:** It shouldn't take you this damn long to eat a damn bag of donuts.

**Vash:** Well, then maybe you should help me Nicky~?

**Nick:** *slaps the back of Vash's head* Don't call me that in public. Anyway, I already had 5 of 'em. Can't you scarf 'em down any faster?

**Vash: **Owowowowow! *rubs the back of his head while nibbling on another donut*

**Nick: **Seriously. *displays a serious face*

**Vash: **I won't take long! I promise! *smiles with his mouth full while holding up a peace sign*

*cue Jeopardy music*

/20 minutes later and still in the restaurant/

**Nick: ***rubbings his temple in irritation*

**Vash: ***nomming away at donuts obliviously*

**Nick: **. . . *glances over and grins deviously*

**Vash: **NOMNOMNOMNOM- *still oblivious*

**Nick: ***scoots closer* Hey. Vash.

**Vash: **NOMNO-. . .? *eyes Nick suspiciously while chewing slowly*

**Nick: ***speaking louder than necessary* Can I play with your foreskin?

**Vash: **. . . *stops chewing*. . .whur?

**Nick: **Actually, I have a better idea.

**Vash: ***quirks an eyebrow*

**Nick: ** Later, we should have an all-night _Anal Party_!

**Vash: ***eyes widen*

**Nick: **I bet your ass is just _tingling_ thinking about it.

**Vash: ***coughs a bit* Erm . . . herk . . .

**Nick: **Picture it. My _hard_, _thick cock_ up that nice little _hole_ of yours.

**Vash: ***coughs more furiously while looking around nervously*

**Nick: **You can _suck_ me first. Slick me up _nice n' wet_ before I _fuck you numb_ tonight.

**Vash: ***trying to speak mid-bite* Wurlfwurr!

**Nick: **Just thought a good nickname for you._ Vash the Cum-Hungry Fellatio Master_.

**Vash: ***swallows food hard while slamming hand on the table* -Wolfwood!

**Nick: **What was that_ Vash the Stampede_? You want me to _drizzle chocolate on your nipples and lick them sore_ tonight?

**Vash: ***noticing people turning their concerned gazes to them while gaping like a fish*

**Nick: **I could _put a donut on my dick_ and _let you suck me off_. I bet it'd make my cum_ nice n' sweet_.

**Vash: ***sputtering indignantly while becoming increasingly red-faced* OKAY. OKAY. I'LL EAT FASTER. *shoves a shit-ton of donuts in his mouth*

**Nick: **Huh? Could it be that your cute ass is_ craving my throbbing dick_, Mister Vash?

**Vash: ***hastily continues to shovel donuts in his mouth like a powerful Hoover*

**Nick: **No_ Vash the Stampede_, we certainly cannot_ fuck each other senseless on this table_ right now. There might be children present in this establishment.

**Vash: ***shoves empty bag of donuts at Nick* I'M- *cough* -I'M DONE. LOOK. SEE. DONE. *coughcough* LET'S GO NOW _PLEASE_.

**Nick: ***smiles* 'Kay!

/A few minutes later as they're making their way through town/

**Vash: ***pouts as he walks behind Nick*

**Nick: ***smirks triumphantly and looks back at Vash* That'll teach ya' to keep me waiting for some fuckin' donuts.

**Vash: ***flails* I can't help it! I wanted to savor the moment! They're like sweet fluffy pillows of glazed deliciousness . . .

**Nick: **Yeah? Well, maybe you should learn to eat your sweet pillows at a more efficient rate of speed.

**Vash: **. . . *stares at Nick*

**Nick: **. . . What?

**Vash: **Y'know . . . that wasn't a bad idea though.

**Nick: **What wasn't a bad idea?

**Vash: **Putting a donut on your dick.

**Nick: **. . . *blank stare*

**Vash: ***pulls out another bag of donuts from who-knows-where with a big goofy grin*

**Nick: **. . . What're you tryin' to say, Tongari? *quirks an eyebrow*

**Vash: **We're not playin' cards tonight, Nickey. *sly smile*

**Nick: **. . . Wha- *sudden realization* -. . . _oh_. *smiles back*


	2. God's Touch

Title: Of Gunmen And Absurdity

Pairings: Mostly WolfwoodxVash because I can. May contain MilliexMeryl (implied or otherwise) at some point. May also include other characters at some point I guess. I don't even know. Whatever.

Rating: M for Mature things and stuff.

Spoilers: Nooooooooooone?

Warnings: General faggorty, crack and derp.

Summary: A series of silly script-like drabbles mostly center around a scruffy, offbeat priest and a flamboyant looking gunman.

Author's Notes: This started out as just some random shit I was sending to **TheCrimsonClarity** at work when I was bored. But I figured I might as well post it in-between working on "Four Steps To Acceptance". Hopefully this'll help me write more for that story in a more efficient manner.

Disclaimer: There will inevitably be OOCness because this will mostly be silliness and dumb shit that I think up for no reason. Lots and lots and lots of gay so you've been warned. Remeber, if offended, the 'back' button is your friend. Yasahiro Nightow owns Trigun and has money to show for it. I remain poor. Yay.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

**God's Touch**

(Inspired by the SNL hit "Dick In A Box" by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake. *Hinthintwinknudge*)

*Vash walks into their motel room after picking up dinner to find Wolfwood sitting in an armchair with the portable confessional placed in between his legs*

**Nick: **Ah, Vash! I've been waiting for you. *motions for him to come closer*

**Vash: **Wolfwood. What . . . what are you doing? *stares suspiciously while putting food on a table*

**Nick: **I'm gonna help you repent for you sins, my friend. *grins widely*

**Vash: ***crosses arms* And how're you gonna do that exactly?

**Nick: ***pats the confessional* Why, with my handy-dandy portable confessional of course!

**Vash: ***quirks an eyebrow*

**Nick: **All you have to do is open the lil' door here and then speak to God himself and ask for forgiveness.

**Vash: **. . . Is this gonna cost me? *eyes warily*

**Nick: **Nope. Free of charge. Just for you. *winks*

**Vash: ***big sparkley animu eyes* _Free_? Sweet! *makes grabby hands* Gimme the confessional puh-leeease!

**Nick: ***waggles a finger at Vash* No can do partner, you gotta confess to God right _here_. *pats confessional again*

**Vash: **But it's in your lap. *points*

**Nick: **. . . And?

**Vash: **Why is it in your lap?

**Nick: **I don't see a problem with it being in my lap. *pouts*

**Vash: **It's just . . . it'll look a lil' . . . awkward. *grimaces*

**Nick: **Oh, well I guess _God's_ just too awkward for you, huh? You should be grateful God's even _willing_ to speak with you. And to think you were capable of saving. *crosses arms*

**Vash: ***blushes* Okay, okay! I'll – I'll do it. *moves to sit in between Nick's legs on the floor*

**Nick: ***eyes flash mischievously and grin widens* Great! Now just open up the door and tell your God what you want . . .

**Vash: **But-

**Nick: **What. What now?

**Vash: **I'm so nervous! What do I say? I don't wanna embarrass myself. *kawaii eyes*

**Nick: ***twitches* Just be like 'Hi, my name is Vash and I've been a bad, _bad_ boy. I need to repent to be _punished_. I want to you save me. Save me so _deep_ and so _hard_'. Just like that. *smiles*

**Vash: **. . . Why the hell would I say THAT? Is that even how repenting works? *incredulous look*

**Nick: **Don't question the word of God! *flicks forehead*

**Vash: **Owie! *rubs his forehead* You're not nice, Nickey . . .

**Nick: **Tell me somethin' I don't know, Tongari. *grins*

**Vash: **Whateveeer. I bet God's a lot nicer than you anyway. *sticks out his tongue*

**Nick: **Oh, he is. He's so nice it _hurts_. But in a good way. *waggles eyebrows*

**Vash: **Okaaaaay? *suspicious look as he opens up the little door*

**Nick: ***watches lasciviously*

**Vash: **Uhm, Hi Mister God. I just wanted to say I think you're a pretty cool dude who kicks ass n' stuff and I was wonderin' if- *peers inside confessional*

**Nick: **. . . If~?

**Vash: **Nicholas. Is that. Is that your dick? *eyes widen*

**Nick: ***shrugs* My dick, your God, same difference.

**Vash: ***blushes and facepalms* I . . . I don't even know . . . what to say.

**Nick: **How about accepting your "punishment" so your God can save you? Save you _very_ deeply and _very_ hard, might I remind you. *waggles eyebrows again*

**Vash: ***blushes even more while opening his mouth a few times as if to say something*

**Nick: **Oh, come on, it's not like you haven't played with "God" before y'know. *grins*

**Vash: **That-! *blushes EVEN MORE what the fuck* We were drunk! And you had a donut on it!

**Nick: **And a certain spiny-headed _someone _made sure to get that donut off did he not? *leans forward*

**Vash: **You know how I am about donuts! I couldn't resist! *flails arms*

**Nick: **Apparently you couldn't resist my dick after the donut was gone either. *shrugs*

**Vash: **-! *flails some more as if to say "WOLFWOOD STOP WHHYYYYY"*

**Nick: **You even _swallowed_! Do you even get how hot you looked? Stupid fuckin' grin with my cum drippin' out of your-

**Vash: **Stop! *falls backward to lay on the floor* You are killing me with humiliation right now. I just want you to know that. I am _dying._

**Nick: **Well. *takes off confessional and moves to the floor to hover over Vash* I could enlist the help of "God" to save you from the clutches of death . . .

**Vash: ***covers his face with his hands to hide his intensifying blush* Fine. Just. Okay.

**Nick: ***cocks head to the side* Come again?

**Vash: ***fakes a women's voice* Save me Mister Priest! *flails arms*

**Nick: ***growls* "God" is at your service. *dives in for a rough kiss*

And then they had sex. It was magical.


	3. Oh, Mister Priest: A Fanfiction

Title: Of Gunmen And Absurdity

Pairings: Mostly WolfwoodxVash because I can. May contain MilliexMeryl (implied or otherwise) at some point. May also include other characters at some point I guess. I don't even know. Whatever.

Rating: M for Mature things and stuff.

Spoilers: Nooooooooooone?

Warnings: General faggorty, crack and derp.

Summary: A series of silly script-like drabbles mostly center around a scruffy, offbeat priest and a flamboyant looking gunman.

Author's Notes: This started out as just some random shit I was sending to **TheCrimsonClarity** at work when I was bored. But I figured I might as well post it in-between working on "Four Steps To Acceptance". Hopefully this'll help me write more for that story in a more efficient manner.

Disclaimer: There will inevitably be OOCness because this will mostly be silliness and dumb shit that I think up for no reason. Lots and lots and lots of gay so you've been warned. Remeber, if offended, the 'back' button is your friend. Yasahiro Nightow owns Trigun and has money to show for it. I remain poor. Yay.

* * *

(A/N: I advise that you view "Oh, Mister Darcy: A Fanfiction", an awesome comic strip by Kate Beaton, before reading this installment so you have a better understanding of what inspired this. I'd post a link but they don't work so just google "kate beaton oh mister darcy" or somethin' mmkay? Mmkay.)

**Chapter 3**

**Oh, Mister Priest: A Fanfiction**

**Vash: ***cleaning guns anally*

**Millie: ***playing with Kuroneko-sama*

**Meryl: ***looking over reports*

**Front Door: ***BURSTS OPEN SUDDENLY*

**Vash, Millie & Meryl: **-!?

**Nick: ***poses with his hands on his hips* Vash. I am home now.

**Vash: **Oh, Mister Priest, how I've missed you! *flutters eyelashes*

**Millie: **. . . *stares back and forth between them*

**Meryl: **. . . Wha-?

**Nick: **And I am looking so handsome and my shirt has opened even further? *flexes his chest muscles*

**Vash: **Oooh, Mister Priest, ooooh~ *mewls and swoons*

**Millie: ***looks at Kuroneko-sama* Do you know what's goin' on Miss Kitty?

**Kuroneko-sama: **Meowrr.

**Meryl: **WHAT THE FU-

**Vash:** *throws a hand over his forehead and sighs* I've dreamed of this moment my love!

**Nick: **As have I. *pulls Vash flush against him*

**Vash: ***sighs longingly*

**Millie: ***blushes* Wow.

**Meryl: ***fuming* WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. WHAT EVEN.

**Vash: **Please, be gentle with me . . . *blushuu*

**Nick: **Of course, my love. You are delicate and precious to me. Like a flower. *strokes Vash's cheek*

**Vash:** *throws arms around Nick's shoulders* Oh, Mister Priest!

**Millie: ***eyes bugging out*

**Meryl: ***slams fist on the table scattering paperwork on the floor* STOP PRENTENDING LIKE WE AREN'T HERE.

**Nick: **Tell me, Vash, did it hurt?

**Vash: **Did what hurt?

**Nick: ***kisses Vash's forehead* Did it hurt when you fell from the sky?

**Vash: ***gaspu* W-Why would I do that?

**Nick: **Because . . . when I prayed to God for an angel he sent . . . you. *brilliant bishie smile*

**Vash: ***blushes* Oh, Mister Priest! You're too kind. *coy smile*

**Millie: ***watches in amazement*

**Kuroneko-sama: ***licks self*

**Meryl: **Y'KNOW WHAT. FUCK YOU GUYS. C'MON MILLIE. *grabs Millie by the collar of her coat*

**Millie: **B-But Meryl! They might kiss! *squeals*

**Meryl: **I DON'T CARE. WE'RE LEAVING.

*Meryl drags Millie and Kuroneko-sama out through the door, slamming it shut behind them*

**Meryl:** I . . . I . . . I CAN'T . . . I JUST . . . I DON'T EVEN-

**Millie: **I wonder what they're doing in there now . . . *lost in thought*

**Meryl: **WHO CARES!? DAMN THAT PRIEST! DAMN HIM, DAMN HIM, DAMN HIIIIIM! *waves fist in the air angrily*

**Millie: ***slowly sits on the ground* I wonder if they're . . . doing . . . "it" . . . *face flushes*

**Kuroneko-sama: ***curls up in Millie's lap and yawns*

**Meryl: **AKHJSDKAHSDKAJLSGKLAGHJDJASG DLKDJ! *freaks the fuck out*

*cue to Nick and Vash still inside the house*

**Nick: **Vash. We are alone now. *stares lustily*

**Vash: **Y-Yes. I have noticed Mister Priest. *fidgets*

**Nick: ***grinds hips against Vash's* Tell me what you want.

**Vash: ***moans and throws head back* Let's do it.

**Nick:** Yes. And I will leave my cigarette on.

**Vash:** *gaze*

*MEANWHILE IN A 20 MILE RADIUS OF THIS EVENT*

KURONEKO-SAMA.

TAKING A NAP.

MILLIE'S THOUGHTS.

BECOMING INNAPROPRIATE.

MERYL ON THE GROUND.

THRASHING AROUND IN RAGE.

LEGATO IS SOMEWHERE.

BECOMING EVEN GAYER.

It was amazing.

The end.

* * *

Doll: Haaaay guiiiiseee, so what d'you think of this hot mess of fanfic so far? I honestly don't know why I thought posting this here was a good idea. OH WELL. Reviews are like life candy. They are candy that keeps me alive. FEED ME. GIVE ME YOUR SUBSTANCE.


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